The Entertaining Adventures

… of MR. CAP and mr. low: Part One.

Along with a miscellany of other stories and songs to round out your listening hour. Brought to you by the good folks at National Public Radio.

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In this special fifteen-minute segment, public radio programming, with support from the American Literacy Foundation, proudly presents to you

The Entertaining Adventures of MR. CAP and mr. low: Part One

“WHAT A CAPITAL DAY IT IS TO-DAY,” intoned MR. CAP in a stentorian voice as he marched down the street, twirling his shiny cane with a slick roll of the wrist. “THE SKY HAS NEVER BEEN BLUER.” At this, he started at some tiny sound at his shoulder, which only he appeared to hear. “OHO! YOU ARE QUITE RIGHT. I HAD BETTER SAY INSTEAD THAT THE SKY HAS RARELY BEEN SO BLUE. FOR OF COURSE IT WAS QUITE EXCEEDINGLY BLUE ON THAT DAY WHEN I WAS CORONATED MAYOR OF OUR MOST CAPITAL TOWN.”

The street he traversed was on the whole a very ordinary suburban street, not too long and with plenty of hedges trimmed quite to precision. There were three houses of brick, twelve of white aluminum siding, and seven of beige, and none of them was above fifteen years old. The blinds were uniformly drawn in the fronts of the houses and there was no audience for MR. CAP’s projections, apart from the twenty-two lawn sprinklers which waved lines of water back and forth in a most irreproducible synchrony.

“I SEE MY CONSTITUENTS HAVE IMPRESSED UPON THEMSELVES THE VALUE OF AN IMPECCABLY KEPT LAWN. I HAVE ALWAYS MAINTAINED THAT THE SORT OF LAWN A MAN KEEPS SPEAKS TO HIS TRUE CHARACTER – OH, YES, TO A MOST ALARMING DEGREE.” (MR. CAP spoke all of this in very grave sort of voice.) “IF A MAN WILL NOT TEND TO HIS LAWN, WHICH IS HIS MOST PUBLIC FACE, WHAT CAN HE TEND TO IN HIS MORE PRIVATE AFFAIRS? IT IS ALMOST AS GROTESQUE AS A MAN WHO FAILS TO CLIP HIS FINGERNAILS.” At this MR. CAP lapsed into silent musings, apparently congratulating himself on the superior quality of his logic. And as he went he embellished his theory with aesthetic critique, drawing an analogy – “THAT MOST CHARMING OF LITERARY DEVICES” – using domiciles and fine art; for a bad frame nearly always spoils a good picture, and a scraggly lawn does much the same for an otherwise capital house. Or so his conjecture ran.

Now, dear MR. CAP possessed an inordinate talent for losing himself to monologue, and he kept on musing in this way for some uncountable minutes. And as his musings could grow quite dull, it was really very fortunate that little mr. low was padding, to some amusement, down the boulevard one block over. Oh, mr. low was a peculiar fellow, but only in the most endearing sense of the word. He was too small for all of the suits in the conventional stores, so once a year he visited a kind old tailor on the outskirts of town and the tailor made him finely spun suits cut just to size. On his head mr. low wore a very tall black top hat. The hat itself was quite plain, but the effect of its tallness atop a man so tiny was nothing short of dazzling.

*** BEEP BEEP BEEP *** The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Thunderstorm Warning for your county between 5:30 P.M. and 8:30 P.M. *** National Weather Service Doppler Radar indicated a Severe Thunderstorm capable of producing quarter-size hail. *** We will now continue with your regularly scheduled radio programming. *** BEEP BEEP BEEP ***

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Folk Song in Unknown Key

(Refrain)
Blue moon rising in the
Blue moon rising in the
Blue moon rising in the sky

A bearded man in button suit
Renounced his right to die
His mother’s lost her cotton glove
His father’s lost his eye

Refrain

A moppet dressed in yellow lace
Forgot the way to cry
Her sweetheart’s left no note again
And she can only sigh

Refrain

A linnet looking at a tree
Despaired it was too high
He’s lost his wings to sharper things
His song goes me oh my

Refrain

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Flash Fiction One

The boy was sitting silent in the gray corner of the room without a table or a chair for resting. He was promised to a girl, a lovely girl some months younger than he, and she had come wearing a flower in her hair earlier that evening. He had received her warmly then, and the night was filled with a constant hum of noise as they kept themselves always in the company of people, perpetually moved here, moved there, with the simple understanding that the mouth must never pause for too long, since silence was judged an unfashionable thing. And when the hours were finished, the boy escorted the girl to her door and without looking even once at the moon, kissed the flower in her hair and said his goodnight.

Now in the middle of the night he was left to solitude, that lonely and throat-closing state where man converses with his truths in a distractionless white-walled room.

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Flash Fiction Two

Whooee! Look at them purdy girls walk by! They got too much beaudy in em to be walkin all lonesome like they do. Hey, Joe, gimme a hand with those shoes, why dontcha? I got em all polished yestirddy afternoon and theys just a-waitin to be walked in. And them purdy girls oughta have on’y the fines, you know. On’y the fines. They oughta have a reee-al gentleman, a reee-al bonafide gentleman, that’s what they oughta have. Not some ol yella belly with snot all crosst his face, but a real nice fella, with his shoes all polished and all. Hey, hurry up with them shoes, why dontcha, Joe!

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A Crummy Dialogue

“I can’t sleep. I’m too upset.”
“What are you upset about?”
“I’m lonely.”
“Lonely! You come up with some real winners.”
“What did you say?”
“You come up with some real winners. It’s a new thing every-day.”
“It’s not new.”
“How many people are there in the world? Why don’t you move to China? There are lots of people there. You won’t be lonely.”
“Yes, ma’am. OK, ma’am. Good night. I’m going to bed now.”
“There are lots of people there. Why don’t you move to China? You won’t be lonely there.”
“It’s four o’clock in the morning.”
“Four o’clock! I thought it was one o’clock! My clock’s all wrong. What are you doing awake?”
“I’m going to bed now, ma’am.”
“I can’t believe it’s four o’clock! You ought to be asleep! Good night! And listen, don’t be lonely. There’s no need for that. Now, go to bed and get your rest. You need your beauty sleep.”
“Yes, ma’am. Beauty sleep. See you in the morning, ma’am.”