Illusion

From the diary of a darkened soul:

The time is passing by and you haven’t done a thing worth remembering, for goodness’ sake….

My faith is in a pit. The things I once believed to be true turn out to be illusion—I was deceived by the voice which I wanted to be true but which was really just a product of my crazy imagination. What a loon. I’m always thinking things will work out so pretty and nice, but the truth is that things fall apart. They fall apart and I don’t know what to do. One can keep having faith and trusting in the face of all these demons, but isn’t that an irrational thing to do—irresponsible, even? How can it be that the soul who desires goodness so strongly, with every fiber of her being, can be led so far astray? The disappointment is too hard for this kind of soul to bear.

I want to talk to God and turn to Him for help, but how can I do that if I don’t trust Him anymore? I feel helpless in the absence of recourse to a Higher Power whom I know is all-good. What’s the matter with my mind? Playing tricks on me to lead me into a darkness I can’t escape—where’s the good in that? One shouldn’t be on the outs with oneself. One shouldn’t be on the outs with God. But how is it possible to keep believing in Someone who seems—I’m sorry to say it—abusive of your innocent trust and simple pleas?

I can’t articulate what I want to say. The emotions are hard to translate into words. But the thing that bothers me most is simply the fact that, for all the years I’ve spent loving Someone, it’s possible that He doesn’t even exist, that all this love was misplaced, misused, misspent. Why is the world unjust? Why do people deceive? How can one trust when her trust leads to heartache and fear and a perpetual sense of doubt? It’s hard for the idealists to live in this world, for reality often disappoints the dreams they’ve played out in their minds. So what if reality is more real? It’s also darker, rougher, harder to bear. What’s the point of pretending to like something that, in fact, you don’t happen to like at all?