The Simple Refrain

Journal & Essays

Once upon a time, I found a way to love God. That was a long, long time ago. After a while, I started to lose my way – not because I was living wildly, or hurting anyone, but because life always seemed to beat me down. Life beat me down continuously. One struggle after the next, and I could barely keep myself afloat.

And so I lost my way. Because in the darkness of my sorrow, I blamed the One I had loved. I turned away after shouting: “I’ve had it with You! You never seem to care! And all You give me is pain! Why would I ever want to devote myself to Someone like that?”

I fumbled in the dark; I cried. I tried to live as normally as I could, but every morning came the reminder: a tug of the heart toward some unseen Presence, some ghost of a Person Whose absence seemed wrong, seemed somehow profane.

And then, rolling out of bed, I began to find the words forming mysteriously in my mouth day after day. In fact, the words still come to me now, every so often, even as I pray, turning themselves into the soft and simple refrain:

“I miss You, God. I really miss You. Please come back.”

Brief Thoughts (No. 19)

Brief Thoughts

We’re stranded at sea, and no one hears us. We’re lost in the fog, and no one sees us fumbling for help. We’re tired of carrying our pain, but no one’s around to shoulder it.

How do we live, except to keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that, sooner or later, we’ll stumble upon someone who cares?

And yet – look. Here we are, walking on water, because we still believe in the miraculousness of things. Do you?

Brief Thoughts (No. 18)

Brief Thoughts

The hour of reckoning is come. The hour of building a case for your life. How have you lived? How have you helped the people who needed you? How have you responded in the face of disappointment, and failure, and loss? The makings of a man are laid bare in the details of his life – in his choices to love (or not) in the midst of turmoil and uncertainty.

The heart, as you know, reveals all. Are you brave enough to look?

Brief Thoughts (No. 17)

Brief Thoughts

There are times when I want to be someone else, live a different life – an easier life. But then, I stop and think: if I weren’t me, who would I be? The question doesn’t compute. The premise is flawed. I am me, and that’s the only person I can ever be. For it to be otherwise would spoil the whole point: taking what you have and turning it into something miraculous.

(Or maybe it’s already miraculous. That’s something to consider, too.)

1, 2, 3

Poems

1, 2, 3
The girl is on her knees.
4, 5, 6
The boy lights candlesticks.
7, 8, 9
They’re running out of time.
10, 11, 12
The church is ringing bells.
12, 11, 10
They’re meeting once again.
9, 8, 7
Their prayers float up to Heaven.
6, 5, 4
Their love is at the door.
3, 2, 1
The sorrowing is done.

Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee (Reprise)

Music

I grew up watching Grease. Actually, the Grease soundtrack was the very first CD I ever bought. Lately I’ve been listening to this song, which strikes me as a poignant way of saying goodbye to an old self, or to a way of living that you’ve been asked to leave behind.

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