Integration

There is something so nice about sitting at a desk (or lying in a bed) in the light of a small, warm lamp as the sky outside the window turns to dusk and the rest of the room has become so quiet and dark and still. It is a remarkably cozy and comforting and familiar feeling, and I wouldn’t want to give it up for anything.

How does one go about integrating all the thoughts that are impressed upon the mind? It is a challenging feat, for this writer at least, and I can only offer a brief analogy to begin dealing with my opinions on the subject.

The comparison I am referring to is between the mental act of understanding and the physical work of digestion. Just as the body must consume some food, and break it down through a variety of processes, then absorb and assimilate the nutrients (this is the key part), or else it will fall ill and deteriorate—so too must the mind ingest some morsel of knowledge, dismantle it into smaller and more fundamental pieces, then integrate everything into the very anatomy of thought, lest the mind be overwhelmed with substance it cannot use. A chaos of ideas that slips through, in and out, without taking the time to be absorbed, to enter into the bloodstream of consciousness—this is the malabsorption of thought, which results in a feeling of lack, a feeling of hunger. The mind must digest ideas, as the body must digest food. The reason is that integration—which marks a shift from being fractured to being whole—is an essential ingredient of our vitality, and a necessary condition for our living as persons of integrity (from the Latin integer, “whole”). Without this ability, we walk around in a state of being various—a very disorienting habit of being, in which good things continually pass us by and even enter in, but their value is lost on us, and we keep feeling like hungry and unsatisfied creatures who just wish someone would come along and seal us up and stop the goodness from getting away.

It doesn’t need to be said how uncomfortable it is when someone you care about doubts your love. Of course you care! How can a person, once he enters your heart, ever become someone for whom you feel nothing? But what can you do? You can’t always inspire a change of heart. You can’t always take on the work for yourself. You must just pray and hope that the person realizes the truth at the center of things and lets all the rest—which causes him so much unnecessary suffering—fall away.

Healing Your Identity

Here is a thought for you:

When you are so entrenched in your own thoughts, and particularly when then these thoughts tend toward yourself, you miss out on the goodness around you and forget to live.

One day, in the apple orchard, the ant approached the daisy and said: Daisy, you look happy and pleasant no matter what is going on around you. What is the secret to your poise?

The daisy smiled and said: Ant, it is no secret. You see, the only thing I do is to realize that the sky is blue and the grass is green and it makes me very happy and well.

If you could be another person, who would you be? This question is asked frequently in the meetings of strangers and the confidings of friends. It’s a revealing question, for it uncovers the priorities in a person’s heart. When all is said and done, people will choose to embody that which they most esteem—whether it be a matter of finance or virtue or beauty. But when the question is laid plain, the faults of the proposition come to be seen. If a person is asked to forsake his identity, only to replace it with someone else’s, the issue is not, “what does this person esteem?,” but rather, “how can this person learn to love his self as much as any other identity that is possible for him?” When we shift our thinking to this line of reasoning, we find that the faults in our character are easier and better to accept than a whole new identity that is foreign to us. How would we contend with the disconnect? You can never be sure how to inhabit someone else’s mind, someone else’s body. It will always be a mismatched experience; there will be a sense that something is missing, something is not right.

This is the beginning of wisdom, that you will call your GOD by name and He will answer you in love.

Of all the people in your life whom you seek to please, none is so intractably fond of you as GOD. He is delighted in your ways and wants to show you how much He loves you every moment of your life. There is no separation from His love.

The Dream Girl

Coralie was a lovely girl who lived long ago. She had skin the color of calf’s milk, eyes as blue as the late spring sky, delicate hands with finely curved fingers, and hair that fell in long coils down her back. She was considered a remarkable beauty in her country town, and there was little to fault in her small-boned face or her gentle manner.

Thus it was only a matter of time before the young men came calling in droves. As Coralie entered the bloom of youth, suitors began lining up outside her door, bearing all kinds of gifts and romantic tokens. Coralie received each of her guests graciously, with a half-curtsy and polite conversation; she was never coarse or rude. But even the dimmest-witted of men could see that there was something distant in her manner, some part of her mind, or maybe her soul, that dwelled in another realm.

For Coralie was a girl much given to fantastic thoughts and spent long hours adrift in a sea of gossamer dreams. She was blessed (or cursed, as the case may be) with a crystalline vision of her one true love, and every night, upon going to bed, she dreamed of the man she would one day wed. She saw perfectly the cut of his chin, the color of his hair, the curl of his eyelashes. She heard his voice, ample and splendid, as he regaled her with stories of devotion and praise. And then, after waking, she thought of her beloved all day long.

So when the suitors came calling, Coralie knew precisely what she must do. She rejected each man who came, politely but firmly, on account of some mismatch he suffered with the man from her dreams.

She said to the farmer who brought her a basket of his finest wheat: “Oh, but your skin is much too tan. My one true love has the fairest, palest skin I’ve ever seen.”

To the bashful-looking boy who cantored at church: “I’m sorry, darling, but your voice is pitched so awfully high. My beloved speaks at least an octave lower than you.”

To the doctor’s apprentice, who asked her to accept his tin of ointments and creams: “Ah, but the man I will marry has hair of golden brown and it falls about in the most perfect curls. Therefore, I know you are not he.” And so on and so forth in this vein.

For many months and even years, Coralie turned away every man who came asking for her hand. She remained peacefully convinced that she must wait for the love of her dreams, and she went about her days in a haze, thinking of him, snatching at fragments—recalled sometimes in detail, sometimes in fog—of her nighttime fancies.

But as time passed, Coralie noticed a new pain in her chest. When she stopped at the market to buy bread, or walked to church to hear the Father’s homilies, she saw how the men who once came courting her were all wedded to other women now—less beautiful than Coralie, but plump and merry-looking women nonetheless. The husbands often clapped their wives’ shoulders with a joyful laugh and gave them playful winks. Coralie felt an ache of loneliness in these moments, and whispered: “Oh, dear heart, how I do wish you’d turn up soon!”

The loneliness of these uncompanioned days stuck in Coralie’s throat and made it hard to breathe. To escape the pangs, she began to sleep a little longer and then a little longer still, spending more time in the company of her beloved, who, like Psyche’s Cupid, seemed to visit her only after the sun had taken its sleep. In time, the roses faded from Coralie’s cheeks and her body grew weak and thin. There was still beauty in her face, but it was changed into something convalescent and vague, as if it were being seen through the veil of a long and constant sadness.

One day, the town doctor visited Coralie, touched with pity for the woman he had once admired. He entered her house, which was shabby and in need of repair, sat her down, and looked sadly into her face. In a grave voice, he said: “Coralie, you must stop carrying on like this, before your whole life is lost to phantoms and sleep. You had best wake from your dreams now, or they will end up being the death of you.” He handed her a draught, instructed her to take it before going to bed, and then he left.

Coralie did not know what the draught would do, but she was frightened enough by the doctor’s grave and serious words that she swallowed the medicine as she had been told. And so, that night, for the first time since she was thirteen, Coralie slept a pure and dreamless sleep. She saw no trace of her one true love; instead, the night was an endless refrain of darkness, stillness, silence, and hush.

The next morning, Coralie woke up terrified, desperate with loss. The feeling was strange and foreign, and all day she stirred with anxiety. Mid-morning, she passed by the mirror in the hall and was startled by the age and illness in her face, which she had not noticed before. After a moment, she reflected that her beloved had never aged even a day; the dreams revealed him to be as young and smooth-cheeked a boy as ever. The discovery was discomfiting and moved Coralie, in the course of the morning, to contemplate the utterly dreadful idea that her one true love might never come for her after all.

The day passed thus in great restlessness, and at night, Coralie tried to sleep without the doctor’s draught. But her sleep was fitful and full of terrors; she dreamed of long hallways of deserted rooms, cloaked in shadow and empty of life. The following night, the terrible dreams returned; and they came the night after, and the night after that.

Meanwhile, the loneliness of the days ran on. As you know, the suitors had stopped their visits long ago. Life had moved on for them, as it is meant to do, and Coralie was left without a friend to care for her. Even the doctor had failed to return for a follow-up call.

But there was one man—his name was Luc—who had never forgotten Coralie. In his youth, Luc had been among her suitors—turned away like all the rest—but his trade had taken him to distant lands, and only now, as life became slower and his hair turned gray, did he return to the town of his birth. His itinerant habits had kept him a bachelor, and he lived a quiet, mostly solitary life.

When Luc learned from the townspeople of Coralie’s fate, his heart was stirred. He found the way to the house of his old beloved and began paying it nightly visits. Every evening, he brought a rose and dropped it on the stoop outside the entry; and before going away, he said a prayer for the woman inside. Sometimes, he carried tools with him and made simple repairs to the house’s façade, or tidied the windswept garden. He neither saw nor spoke to Coralie, but the previous night’s rose always disappeared, so he continued his routine for a fortnight or more.

One morning, after waking from an especially lonely dream, Coralie opened the door and bent to pick up her rose. She carried it inside to the kitchen table, adding it to a collection of flowers (some dried-out by now, some still soft and fresh) that brimmed from a crystal vase. She stood looking at the flowers for a long time, and after a while, she pulled them from the vase one by one and began twisting them into a fragile crown. She knotted the stems and touched the petals; her fingers were still finely curved and delicate.

But Coralie looked so wan and unwell, she might have been a ghost, weaving a wreath to set over her grave. She hummed a lullaby and wore an odd expression on her face. All of a sudden, she hurried from the kitchen to the front hall, where she pulled on her overcoat and boots. Then, in the most reverent of gestures, Coralie placed the crown of roses on her head. You could see rushing back, in that instant, all the youth and enchantment of the girl with eyes as blue as the late spring sky whose hair fell in long coils down her back. A moment later, Coralie opened the door and stepped into the morning light, vanishing into the brightness as if in a dream.

(Illustration credit: Ann Macbeth.)

Mice, Rain, Opinions, Apologies, and Other Fragments

(January 7, 2014)
Heal this disconnect, between my desire to believe and my really believing. It is not helpful to live so doubly, with a collection of firm truths set before you—you can see them, acknowledge them, desire them—but you’re unable to absorb them, assimilate them, live them through to the core of your being.

(March 26, 2014)
You can’t compromise when it comes to love. You must hold out for the love that’s going to fill you up like you never imagined. You’d be missing so much if you decided to settle for something less than this.

(March 28, 2014)
There’s at least one mouse in our house. I saw one in the basement, shrieked, and cautiously (“gingerly,” as Mom says) stepped around him, and darted up the steps. Later in the evening, as I was making ready to go to bed, I saw a mouse on the kitchen stairs. Maybe he was the same one; both times, the mouse was small. Mom was up in arms and filled with terror! She hovered over Dad until he got off the phone to help. He scooped up the little mouse—he laughed and said it was just a cute little baby mouse—into an old box of Ziploc bags. But the mouse was quick-footed and scampered out—and all chaos ensued. Mom was screeching and cowering in the armchair, Lucky got spooked by the shrieks and ran to hide in the corner, Dad was chasing the mouse, and Grandma was sitting in her electric scooter and laughing. Meanwhile, I was tiptoeing around in the dining room, half-curious and half-scared, trying to peer in at the ruckus. At some point, Lucky glimpsed the mouse and darted after him, but the mouse escaped into the dark recesses of the living room, not to be seen again for the night. Now I’m in the habit of seeing mice everywhere I turn—from the dust balls under my bed to the balled-up socks on the bathroom floor.

(April 3, 2014)
After a while, you get tired of the nonsense, and you want something cleaner, clearer, that tastes a little more of sense and—that word—meaning.

(April 4, 2014)
The rain is here again. My old friend, the rain. Sometimes I’m terribly sad and I don’t even know why. Like a mystery, the tears come, and flood, and go. Go out? Or recede back in, stuck in some little cavern of my body where they dwell in darkness? Who’s to say?

(April 9, 2014)
There’s a cross on my desk, a gift from my aunt and uncle. Daisies (is that what they are?) and roses (or are they tulips?) grow from the base, and a butterfly lands on one arm of the cross. The cross has become one with the earth, and new life, simple life, grows out of a sign of death. If the cross only signified death, there would be no hope in Christianity. There must be the promise of new life—death conquered—or the suffering is useless, the meaning is lost.

(April 9, 2014)
I have become freer with my opinions lately. I am not so petrified of having my own voice and sharing it, even if it happens to be a dissenting voice. I don’t want to become pushy or close-minded, but I don’t think it’s necessary to live in fear of those outcomes. A good rule of thumb seems to be: Don’t go around hollering out your opinion at every occasion, but if you’re asked for your thoughts, freely and graciously give them, without fear.

(May 5, 2014)
We’re stopped at the edge of the street. Bus driver is waiting for man in wheelchair to find some shoes and put them on. We’ve been stopped for a few minutes now. People are starting to get impatient. One man burst out the back door, tired of waiting. The man is on the bus now; the bus driver is strapping him in. I feel bad, knowing that someone has to live daily with handicaps we know nothing of—the man seems to have cerebral palsy, or Down syndrome, or something else—and we’re so quick to get frustrated because he’s causing us some small “inconvenience.” How easily we get used to expecting certain comforts and lose sight of the big picture when we fail to get them.

(October 11, 2014?)
A pie-pecked pilcher of a man
Stopped in for soup.
He laid his hat on his lap
And said, “How d’you do?”
His beard was black,
But his hair was gray
Like the sea in the evening mist.
How many women
Had that man kissed?
There’s no way to say,
But the grin he grinned made your knees go creak!
And your apron go limp as a fish.

(May 17, 2015)
When the rubber hits the road, we must always choose to be ourselves, and never a feeble imitation of someone else (unless we are acting out a game of impressions—but, even then, we must draw out the likenesses in our own way).

If, right now, you say that you hate yourself—ask why this is so. You must not see yourself in this light. Your identity is precious in the eyes of the One who made you, and without your particular combination of talents and gifts, the balance of the world would be thrown off. What can I do to show you this truth? If you want to know how you are seen in the eyes of the One who knows all Truth—tell yourself you are loved and made in the image of GOD, who is Beauty itself.

(June 24, 2015)
If you are on the fence about telling someone you’re sorry, have the boldness to admit your error and ask forgiveness. You needn’t worry about looking foolish or weak—only the humble and true-hearted have the courage to make a sincere apology. If these words don’t apply to you, then keep them in mind for future times, when forgiveness may be required of you. And if the only thing you learn today is that to cause another sadness is a real offense—and to apologize, a real salve and the act of an unselfish heart—then I am content and send you off to attend to your duties in peace.

Afternoon Tea

Time for tea

The bell was sounding time for tea as monks walked barefoot into the empty parlor. Every monk wore a flower pinned lightly to the top of his long brown robe, and the room smelled delightful.

Once all the monks were settled in—there were ten or twelve altogether—the bell ceased its chiming and the tea was poured. Green, black, hibiscus leaf—each cup was chosen according to the mood and sensibilities of its drinker. If the tea was too hot, a monk passed the cup to his neighbor, who would blow on it politely with a modest puff of wind, and then consider it cooled by the breath of the Spirit.

Meanwhile, outside, as the monks enjoyed their tea (one slow sip at a time), a nightingale-bird began to sing a beautiful song. It was the sort of melody that made a man remember all of his sweetest loves and the happiness of moments long ago lost to time. But since it was still only afternoon, the appearance of the nightingale caused some surprise, and the monks widened their eyes in glee. Most remained silent, though one or two laughed or hummed with pleasure. In the corner, the oldest and most venerable of the holy men—whose name has been forgotten with the haze of years—smiled mysteriously and closed his eyes. The tea bubbled warm in his belly as the nightingale sang, taking him, as if in flight, to distant lands of the most impossible beauty and the simplest repose.

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