A few quick exercises in nonsense. Read only for fun!
The fish and the cat became friends when the dog died. They lived in a blue house on a suburban street in the middle of a country whose name I forgot. It was well and good to say they were an odd couple—for surely they were—but it was also true that they had a striking synergy that kept them in good spirits all day long.
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Dear John,
There are too many ways to tell you to get lost.
I can’t settle on just one.
So why don’t you try on a couple of these for size?
Your beard always scratches my face.
I bought you boots for your birthday because boots are made for walking.
The hair on my head is not yours for the counting anymore.
Sincerely,
Me
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Oh my, how the weeds have grown! I can’t stop counting their seeds. Soon they’ll be bigger than you, bigger than me, bigger than the house we live in! How can anyone stand the attack? They advance fast and lively—quicker than a dart—and then, before you can blink, they’ve surrounded you. What do you make of that? It’s a metaphor for life, you see. It’s a way of talking about evil without really naming the beast. Clever, isn’t it? The weeds are doing us in. They’re ugly: a canker sore on the mouth of man. They’ll make us dead to the earth before we know it. They’ll make us think of the things we love and twist our minds until we believe we hate them. Oh my, how they weeds have grown!
Before I type anything else, I need to tell you that your audio file is not playing correctly on multiple browsers for Windows (OS X browsers seem okay, so I’m going to assume you’re using a Mac). I found out the extent of this problem by using the “Screenshots” section of the website BrowserStack.com. It takes screenshots of your website across multiple devices and browsers.
An easy solution would be to upload your audio file to SoundCloud.com and then embed it on your website. The SoundCloud community might also give you some additional exposure. For example, here is a Poetry Foundation group that is accepting submissions: https://soundcloud.com/groups/record-a-poem
Some of the members in the Poetry Foundation group are using mics that reduce background noise and microphone hiss. An excellent, portable option is the Samson Go Mic Compact USB Microphone (it especially eliminates background noise and hiss in Cardioid -10db mode). You can get one for less than $40 on Amazon. Here is a good YouTube review of the mic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ya_FRTfjC3Q
I used software to reduce some of the static noise in your audio file, and added some effects like reverb, phaser, and delay that show up best if you’re listening with headphones. I slightly distorted and pitch-shifted your voice when you began discussing the weeds. The end result is posted online (I’ll take it down from my account after you’ve downloaded it). Here is the link: https://soundcloud.com/coldischemia/blue-house
You have a lovely, soothing voice. I understand if you want to use your voice only for select entries. But it might be a good idea to record and upload more of your entries to SoundCloud. Moreover, in a later comment, I’ll talk about starting a YouTube channel and possibly switching your hosting provider. Right now, though, I need to take an 8-hour nap 🙂
(Okay, here’s the rest of my rambling suggestions. Since this wall of text can be irritatingly time-consuming, don’t feel pressured to respond to any of it. Research whatever grabs your attention, and ignore everything you find trite)
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Your website’s whois record indicates you are using Blue Host. Amazon has an AWS CloudFormation WordPress template that might save you money and scale better if you get hit with a spike in traffic. Admittedly, I haven’t really researched this, so I may be completely wrong. Plus, it might be too much of a hassle to transfer all of your data to AWS. Whatever the case may be, one way to reduce resource usage is to upload future videos to YouTube.
YouTube may (or may not) give you greater exposure. Personally speaking, I’ve uploaded some videos that have pulled in millions of views. One of them even launched a somewhat popular Internet meme about an actor, and made the rounds on CNN, Fox News, and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Other videos I’ve uploaded barely cracked a few hundred views. So, for whatever it’s worth, here’s what I think you should do:
1. Make sure all of your videos’ thumbnails have you front and center. Trust me on this.
2. Many of your videos should discuss novels and poems. Include some of the classics every student has to read (and cram for before a test). But also include works that don’t have many YouTube discussions, especially ones which have large followings on Goodreads.
3. The rest of your videos can be about your own writing. If you don’t feel comfortable reciting your work on camera, then at least introduce your work on camera. Switch to an image montage when your poem begins (perhaps use your higher-quality SoundCloud recordings for this part). End each video on camera with: “Thanks for watching. Feel free to subscribe and check out my website.” Don’t be aggressive about it. Just gently remind viewers that there’s more of your work than the video they’re watching.
4. Include Lucky in some of your videos. The point here is that you want to disarm YouTube users who think poetry is elitist. For example, I was watching some Anne Carson poetry readings. She has a mesmerizing voice like yours, and I honestly thought it would be enough to disarm viewers. But I scrolled down to the comment section and saw a user write “Why is this crap considered in any remote possible way to be legendary” simply because the YouTube description called her legendary. You’re a very warm, down-to-earth person, and you have to get that across in each video before you read your poetry. Otherwise, you run the risk of making some YouTube users feel inferior. Of course, you’ll probably still receive some negative comments, because that’s just how anonymous Internet users behave. It’s best to laugh it off. I’ve personally grown quite fond of people who tell me to “die in a fire.”
5. [Optional] Include the following linkbait phrases in some of your titles: http://i.imgur.com/bJW46Ac.png . That said, don’t overdo it. I know it’s tempting to get all meme-ish and hope for millions of views, but you could end up attracting the wrong crowd, which I’ll now emphasize in #6.
6. Never make a video about PC games, Apple products, or anything else that attracts rabid fanboys. If 4chan stumbles upon you, then deactivate your YouTube account, change your identity, move out of the country, and start a new life 🙂
7. Mara Wilson tweeted in reference to #6: “SJW: someone who cares about people more than video games.” 4chan cares more about video games.
As you already know, it is difficult to gain traction online, so it’s best to approach this with very low expectations. Don’t stress yourself out trying to upload videos on a regular basis. Just have fun and upload at your own pace. Stop uploading videos if you find yourself turning into this person: http://i.imgur.com/aR5Cxfn.png
Still, here’s what might happen. Casual students and Goodreads frequenters will search YouTube for their own specific interests. If your relevant video makes it within the first few pages of results (or in the related sidebar), then I think many people – especially guys – will click your video’s thumbnail. Once they click your thumbnail, there’s a good chance they will be won over by your warm intelligence.
When they visit your website, they will inevitably click on your Bio page and see my comments. If you find that whole thread distracting, then feel free to delete it. I won’t be offended. I have been a moderator for some online forums in the past, and I always told the people I edited: “Look. Don’t take it personally. We just need to stay on topic.” That said, I think your response was quite excellent: it shows you being gracious despite someone completely flubbing up your work. Thus, readers may feel more at ease at your website. I probably should have thrown in a “haha, my bad” or something like it to make things more informal. Oh well. My bad 🙂
On a final note, I love this entry.
Wow–thank you for all of your thoughtful, thorough suggestions.
I appreciate the heads-up about the audio difficulties. I’ve noticed the sound files haven’t been working recently on my computer–not quite sure why. It’s useful to know that the problem is affecting your computer, too. (I actually use a PC, not a Mac, so I haven’t tested the OS X browsers, but let’s hope they’re working OK, like you said.) With luck (and a little time), I’ll get the sound clips up and running again. Thanks for the extra work you did to edit my recording for me. I didn’t get the chance to download it, though, and it looks like it’s already been removed?
I guess I’ve vaguely toyed with the idea of creating a YouTube channel before, but I never seriously entertained the thought. I’m grateful for all of your tips, though–they’re very helpful. I’m not sure that I’ll take the plunge. I really don’t know what I’d talk about in the videos! I have no idea what kind of commentary I’d offer on the great works of literature. It’d probably bore to tears every hapless viewer who stumbled by. I’d also have to develop a thicker skin, because the prospect of negative comments (about my appearance, my voice, my writing, my thoughts) is just too unpleasant right now. (And I’m too curious of a person not to read every little comment that might get written!) I’m also not sure I’m seeking a large audience for my website just yet. Keeping things small and contained suits me well for now. But we’ll see. Maybe I could brew up a few ideas and test them out. Your advice gives me a starting point, and some food for thought.
By the way, what is your YouTube “handle”? I’m intrigued by the success of your videos and I’d like to watch a few for myself.
Thank you again for taking so much time to offer your thoughts!
Elizabeth
Oh gosh! Sorry about that. I actually set the SoundCloud file to private for an unexpected reason. Four other users downloaded the file, and two of the users were involved in House music (I think they found the file because I used the hashtag #bluehouse). I was worried they would put your voice into some songs, because your voice meshes well with certain styles of House. Nothing like that should happen without your permission and licensing fees. So here’s the mp3 file from a more obscure location (the domain is an upcoming website I’m working on): http://coldischemia.com/bluehouse.mp3
My apologies for getting carried away on the whole YouTube idea. I completely understand where you’re coming from, and I support whatever you feel most comfortable doing. Let me know if you ever need assistance with anything, whether it be audio mastering or website tinkering. I’m not very skilled in any area, but I may be able to help out whenever your friends are busy or if they need someone to collaborate with.
Actually, that’s one of the reasons I stay up so late. I used to work with people based in California and other time zones. It started back in 2007 when I watched this CNBC segment with Marissa Mayer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XPsdfWX0tA . I entered the contest with a ridiculously lengthy business plan, even though I didn’t have a team. I was simply looking for feedback from Marissa Mayer and the rest of the judges. But they advanced me to the final round, and I went into panic mode.
One of their stipulations was that the winners would have to move to Massachusetts. I couldn’t leave my home for many reasons, which led to a pretty heated argument with one of the contest organizers. Basically, I was told to assemble a team to go in my place. I got a talented hacker on board, but he was pretty obscure. I really wanted a superstar because I felt it would give the team more leverage. I read horror stories about how giving up too much equity to VCs could spell an “early exit” from my company (this is actually one of the reasons I support the idea of a basic income, as it would give entrepreneurs more leverage)
I was so bewildered at the time that I actually emailed Aaron Swartz. If you don’t know who he is, then watch this excellent documentary about him: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXr-2hwTk58 . I seriously thought he would blow me off, but he promptly emailed me back. He sympathized with my predicament. We exchanged a couple more emails, and he gave me some excellent advice. Technically speaking, I never asked him if he wanted to join my company. But I think he realized I wanted to ask; I simply felt it too ludicrous to ask, because he clearly had more important things to do. So in the end, I lost. Still, I made some friends at the contest’s website, and we collaborated on some stuff until we started moving in different directions.
Personally, I moved in a direction that would make any outsider say: “What were you thinking? You have no background in this!” Basically, I started reading Guyton’s Physiology and Robbins Pathology on my own to give myself a general overview of bodily functions. Then I moved into more specific journals, especially the one published by the Society for Cryobiology. I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but at least now I can follow along. For example, when someone says the words “cryoprotectant toxicity,” I try to think at a molecular level. I think of the hydration shell around a protein being disrupted by the hydrogen bonding from a cryoprotectant.
If I were to move out to California, I doubt it would be for my own startup. Instead, there’s a Peter Thiel-funded startup in Mountain View called Arigos Biomedical. Nobel laureate James Rothman was impressed by their work. They apparently have a persufflation-based protocol that allows for rapid vitrification and rewarming of large organs. I’d point you to their website, but they don’t have one yet. Instead, all I really see online is their patent. It would be nice to learn more about their protocol. Unfortunately, I doubt they’d want to bring someone like me on board. This is one of the reasons I am working on my project. Even if the greater goal of my website fails, I may still be able to show it to the folks at Arigos. They may shake their heads and say: “Well, at least his heart was in the right place. Let’s give him some volunteer work.”
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Okay, wow. Sorry about that tangent. To answer your question about my YouTube handle, I actually have numerous ones. “Enoonsti” was the one that launched the Nicolas Cage meme I alluded to above. You can watch my video over at Know Your Meme (scroll down to “Best Scenes From the Wicker Man”): http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/people/nicolas-cage
The only other video on that YouTube account is “300 Care Bears Trailer.” Basically, I took the manly movie 300, and replaced the cast with Care Bears. As you can clearly see, it was not as successful as the Wicker Man video. I’m actually quite fond of both videos, but the latter had a personal moment for me. Years ago, my aunt broke out laughing while having dinner with us. She said, “Did you ever see this movie called The Wicker Man? There’s this video online I have to show you.” Then she whipped out her phone and pulled up my video. I never told her it was by me.
The main reason I never said anything was that I feared she would Google my username to see if I posted elsewhere online. I’ve periodically used the handle for times when I felt deep thinking was not required. Most of it is sarcasm of varying quality. Definitely not worth the read 🙂
Oh gosh, I’m sorry for typing this huge wall of text. But I’m on the verge of sleep right now and so, against my better judgment, I’m pressing the submit button!