Here we are – standing before the summit, unsure even whether we ought to climb. Is it long or is it short? Always trying to find the perfect solution, the perfect path to beauty and order and rightness – and yet, the chaos of life makes this mission practically impossible.
Warm – hot. The days are long and I am sitting with my pain, unable to express it because it might bowl me over. It might undo all the work I’ve done to get to this place of sturdiness and stability. (Even if it is a sad and worn-out stability.)
How do I find a reason for my life? What is a purpose strong enough to give me an unshakeable will to live?
I can of course say “honoring God,” or something like that – but that’s just what I’m supposed to say. It’s full of the feeling of obligation, not desire.
Sure, some Catholics might reprimand me for this – tell me that I’ve got my priorities out of line and what I really need to do is get to the place where I can desire just one thing, and that’s the “Will of God.”
That’s all well and good, but again, it feels forced – bland, even, or obligatory – like I’m parroting the words I’ve been taught I ought to say.
It doesn’t in fact rivet me, or inspire me, or charge me with desire. Maybe I’m just not holy enough. Fine. But I think the fact of the matter is that I’m a human, and I need God to talk to me in a way that resonates with my own heart and soul.
I’m worn out by people’s judgment. I’m worn out by feeling like everything I do, or naturally feel or desire, is somehow wrong or falling short because it doesn’t meet someone’s idea of perfection.
I’m tired beyond words. I’m exhausted. There’s not much to say now except that I want to be free. I want to be light. I want to be well.
I don’t want to be sunken down by the weight of all these expectations of suffering – all these messages which just make life, including a life of faith, feel like one, ceaseless, leaden obligation.
Set me free to live in a way that’s inspired and inspiring.
Here I go – trying to pick my way through the web of confusion. I’m tired and I don’t want to keep walking. Send me a messenger of help. Send me a messenger of joy. The joy that’s beyond me – that seems like it will never be.
How many ways have I got it all wrong? Everyone’s always saying you have to renounce your own desires and subjugate them to God’s. I love God – but this way of doing things is making me feel dead.
How do I find a way that makes sense to me without running the risk of being selfish or of separating myself from God?
I wait but I only see the disappointment, the pain, the undoing, the mediocrity. I’m trying my best to live a holy life – or, as I’d rather say, a good life. I’m trying hard to be good. But I’m tired and I don’t want to keep making up motivations for myself. They’re not strong enough. They’re weak – and I end up flat and out of steam.
And so I go, walking on under the weight of things. I can’t find a reason to wait anymore. I can’t find a reason to love. But the thing is – I will always keep loving, as long as I’m alive. There’s no sense in it, except to notice that the love is the beauty that makes me feel alive – makes life feel like it’s worth living….